bad chaos, dissolution, distintegration:

There are times in which the phenomenology of chaos, dissolution, distintegration can seem very "functionally real," like "going in that direction" IS dissolution, disintegration, chaos, madness, destruction, being eaten alive, and so on.

There is a sense in which this has to be trusted. Generally, you can't and won't do something, e.g. "go towards," unless it's somehow "safe enough" "to the system."

So like it's not safe until it is. No pushing, no forcing, etc.

But it can be helpful to sometimes keep in mind that what SEEMS like ACTUAL chaos, dissolution, disintegration, destruction, fundamental disregulation ISN'T, in the sense that it's an interpretation of phenomenology that is known to be transparently real and actual but in fact that interpretation is sometimes in some sense false.

That is, a little more patience, a little more hanging out, a little more self-subtle-interaction in just the right way, the (semi-)spontaneous solution to a dynamic inverse problem, sometimes reveals that such "believing," "knowing" about that functional phenomenology was in fact in error. What seemed even metaphysical or cosmological or in some sense "real," was in fact "just" phenomenology. (Of course in some sense there is neither "just real" nor "just phenomenology.")

This feels sort of weird to write because often, when the above kind of applies, it's often not "one step away," like sometimes that chaotic or disintegrative phenomenology needs to be not-quite-touched and circled back to for hundreds of hours before the system "finally realizes" that it's safe to sink into or it in fact wasn't in some sense safe and those hundreds of hours were needed to construct the right "equanimity cradle," to edge up to the right alterations in sense of cosmology and metaphysics and finally something new happens.

So it's not just a matter of "oh, it has to be "just" phenomenology, no problem (and again nothing is "just phenomenology," it's sort of all de facto for something, it's not epiphenomenal, it's somehow causal even if sometimes or often confused, trust and indulgence and face value is usually the way to go and impatience or tough love is almost, in my experience, never the way to go), it's, like everything, structural, but sometimes written sections like this can make the navigation of such deep structure smoother.

And then eventually, after hours or hundreds or thousands of hours, then, in a relatively short amount of time (and sometimes more than once, a bunch of times with variations, spread out in time): "oh, safe, relief, untangling, I was wrong about that, I know how to engage with that, I have engaged with that, unraveling", or not, etc.

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