evil (far reaches) [stub/​scratch]:

At some point you may encounter in yourself something like "true evil". This could be "yours" or from "someone else" (or of course multiple someone else's) or especially a mixture.

After all the discussion in this document about "goodness" (however unfixed, nebulous, empty), or even absent that discussion, it can be profoundly dismaying to encounter something like this. It might have a sense of something like "truly" life-denying, "truly" "against."" It might or might not be exactly against your own happiness, that is it might be "for" things you ("evilly" or "villainously") want. But at least one possibly dismaying part is it's sort of "incompatibility with everything else," like there could be violence, harm, coercion "intrinsically"/​"inseparably" in there that is "fundamentally incompatible" with other parts of you that love, want to collaborate, want to have good-faith relationships and life situation, and so on. So from even a purely practical perspective "being evil" (not necessarily "as such," here) might "not work" with a whole swath of other goals you also genuinely have, let alone an "essential" contradiction; but it's a life-level contradiction, at least. First-pass dismaying.

As with anything, working with this is something like, let yourself be as evil as is possibly safe and acceptable to all parts of you, as it were. (See the x-desires section. x-desires, fulfillment, transformation, discussion:) And so there's just the usual thing of safe to look, in its/​one's own time, then can look when/​if​(_ever) ready, safe to accept, then can accept when/​if​(_ever) ready, willingness to have it or be it "forever", for an indeterminate amount of time, just like this---and then paradoxically in that it might or might not evolve.

(I've only dipped into it a little, but I was shocked by the relevance, and maybe every last bit of C.S. Lewis' writing on good(ness) and bad(ness) and evil is relevant and possibly useful, here. (ht xx) [It seems it's also sometimes very wayfindy.] Specific references welcome and I'll add them here.)